My exciting life with a house full of boys

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Can you feel your eggs crack?

I remember well the day my first born discovered my band-aids. He was four and had been quietly playing in his bedroom. Wrong. He was quietly playing in the bathroom. When I went to check on him he had covered himself and the walls with Carefree pantie liners.

"Mommy, look at me!" He said innocently
"Honey, these are mommy'" So I lied. But if you read the band-aid box it clearly states, "large adhesive pads comfort-flex, greater comfort and flexibility, improved material for better protection". Sounds like a personal hygiene product to me.

Years later another son had his first encounter with feminine products. A bloody nose during football lead the coach to shove a tampon up said sons nose to stop the bleeding. Who knew they had such a dual purpose!

This leads me to my next moment which has caused me to ponder whether or not I have failed my sons in the full disclosure of human female anatomy and our functions.

I love to pull weeds - for several reasons.
1. NO ONE BOTHERS ME! If you ever want some alone time, pull weeds. No one else wants to do it so they won't come close for fear of being asked to join in the chore.
2. When a victim does make the mistake and comes close, I will often times ask them to join me. They quietly obey and grab a seat near me. This usually leads to great conversations that otherwise would not have happened.

This was when my next moment occurred.

The discussion was with another son. (I have 6 remember). He is currently taking a human development class at the local community college. With great enthusiasm and the excitement that he was really teaching me something new he said,

"Mom, did you know that if a woman can figure out when her cycle is, she can decide when to have a baby?"

I was a bit stunned and tried so hard to hold back my giggles. This was my 19 year old that had just discovered the solution to all conception problems. If only we ladies could figure it out we could have a baby. I explained to him the obvious and the conversation continued.

"Yeah, I also learned that if a woman pays close attention she can feel her eggs crack."

Seriously! Do you mean ovulation? How was your teacher teaching this and where did your mother go wrong? Oh wait. I don't think your mother ever taught you any of this. Or any of your brothers for that matter. It never crossed my mind.

I had a hysterectomy (or what I like to call a hersterectomy, since I am a her,) and a bladder suspension last fall. Yes, it CHANGED MY LIFE and was worth every ache, pain, and inconvenience to have done! But I digress. One of the twins asked me what was wrong as I was resting in bed. I told them I had some mommy parts fixed. None of the older ones showed any interest or paid any attention when we tried to explain to them what was done. They just knew that there wouldn't be any more babies (I don't think they really understood/cared why)and mom could now jump on the trampoline.

I asked myself. Have I failed my sons and future daughter in laws by not educating them in all this female ick? Do they really need to know? They do know the basic birds and bees but....

So I went to my oldest who is married and has a daughter,
"What do you know about a woman's menstrual cycle?"
His response, "Mom!" and he walked away.
So I asked the tampon up the nose son the same question.
His response, "Mom. Seriously. Most of my friends are girls." and he walked away.
I didn't bother to ask my college son. He obviously knows it all now, our eggs cracking and everything, so I asked my second to oldest.
"What do you know about a woman's menstrual cycle?"
His response, "I know enough to stay away when they're on it." and he walked away.

Maybe I did teach that one something.